911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
