Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Thinking about Jeff

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?