Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Thursday

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids