911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?