@NotKevinSheedy

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

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@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

@KalvinMacleod

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

@GrillinChillin9

You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

@NewDadNotes

Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@jwoodham

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

@therealeatwood

MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu

MUGGER: Huh?

ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]

@_Water_Baby

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue