We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.
literally losing my entire damn mind over this.
Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue