Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”