Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Meth is short for Elizameth.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

bugs when you lift up a rock