911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Merica.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan