Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

i can’t work under these festive conditions

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Real bees work best

Perfect

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain