Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

For those that worship cheese..

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.