Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.