@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

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@daveexplosm

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

@mrtruthandsoul

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

@TimB5150

I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!

@randypaint

harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]

ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school

voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]

ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@Marlebean

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

@_BryanZ_

If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.