911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?


me: 911 how would I know?

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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.


*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?


I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!


harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]

ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school

voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]

ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.


You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.



If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.