Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Straight people are cancelled

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*