Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball