[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
this came to me in a vision
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.