911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Jurassic park gets weird
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work