Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

mood

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.