Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.