Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

whatcha thinkin bout

a lot to unpack here

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

I’M CRYINGGG

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both