Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.