Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.