911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
You Might Also Like
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
That was easy.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.