911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
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My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark