Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

tis the season

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

waiting for halloween be like:

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.