Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.