Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

My blood type is b hungry.

WHY?!

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO