Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

socratic questions

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Pleading insanity in small claims court

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

don’t be scared

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.