Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

“I’m not responsible for your happiness”

Me: good thing cause you’re doing a shitty job

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

How blind am I? Thank you so much for asking. I spent entirely too long trying to beckon the cat over to me in the middle of the night only to realize upon waking that I was gesturing to a stack of towels I neglected to put away before I fell asleep

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.