Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
– Jehova’s Witnesses
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.