911: How can I help you?
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.


Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……


Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.


every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks


I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part


You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.


Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”


I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.