Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*