Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

What’s a Messi?

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

barbara was highly relatable

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it