Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Windows

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.