Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son