Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.