Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

🧠

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

ㅤ

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.