911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
me to God
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Not😆🤣
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?