Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.