Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?