Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

But that’s none of my business

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”