Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

All is fair in drunk and war.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

motivation

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.