Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

*pokes sex life with a stick

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!