Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

THE AUDACITY. 😤

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!