Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.