Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything