911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
This might be the funniest tweet ever
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?