911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Glasses
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
when she block me on everything
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
gentlemen, hear me out
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.