@Kirangandhi

911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man

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@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@bartandsoul

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@jollyrobber

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

@Darlainky

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

@seejaylinco

please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

@OVO_Ty15

“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever