If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.