911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man

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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket


8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles


Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.


Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.


Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies


I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.


please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time


“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever