Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.