911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.![]()
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
U talkin 2 me?
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.