Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho