Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.