911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.