Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.