Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

his wife is probably gonna see that

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]