“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
why would tinder want me to say this
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.