“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Printer ink is expensive
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
The only equipped I am is ill.
3% human
97% stress
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
