“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?