Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

#math

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Check your privilege