Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

I found your tweet-up…

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.