@mdob11

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

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@Dawn_M_

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

@VitaeArcanum

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

@TitaniumToplass

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do

@jilltwiss

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

@Keally22

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

@DennisFarrell

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@fro_vo

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go