911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend