Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go