Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Botany good plants lately?

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore