Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.