Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild