Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.