Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep