Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*