“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
How high do the levels go?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
This squirrel eats better than I do
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.