Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.