Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Teach your children to beatbox

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking