Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

fourth time’s the charm

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

ㅤ

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.