Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Don’t we all.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls