Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

😂😂😂

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.