Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

men are simple creatures

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.