Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.