Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Only short people can save us

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD