Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

want me to check your oil?

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

O Wise One….

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.