This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin