Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Steam Forums

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

3% human
97% stress

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)