“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
watergate? u mean a dam??
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
No laws when master is gone
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.